The Patron Saint of Angst.

This is a serious quiz you can take on Facebook.

Taken from (sigh) PerezHilton.com:

The very smart and very sexy James Franco is attending graduate school at NYU and is supposedly enrolled in Queer Cinema, an undergrad course in the Cinema Studies department.

Here's a sample of the syllabus:

Week 1: "You Don't Know Dick: The Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men" (1997 documentary)

Week 2: "Mom's Apple Pie: The Heart of the Lesbian Mothers' Custody Movement" (2006 documentary)

Week 3: "Loads" (12 minute film from 1971)

Homolicious!

This isn't the first time Franco has shown an interest in queer cinema. In addition to starring in Milk, he also directed his own student film at NYU last year based on gay poetry.

Further cementing James Franco's spot as one of my favorite actors ever. Oh and besides the fact that he is freakishly attractive.

"And in weather reports, the sun WILL come out tomorrow, so you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow..."

As I've mentioned in other posts, I've been very busy with the start of school and the musical.

So, I got called back for Annie, but I got the part of July instead. I get to have a fight in the very first scene of the play. I get lines and stuff. The main orphans (excluding Annie) are Pepper, Duffy, Tessie, July, and Molly. So, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

But at first I was all like:

and

and

BUT THEN I went and got three flavors of gelato (coffee, Bailey's chocolate swirl, chocolate sorbet), pizza, double chocolate cake, and a brownie the size of my face (LOLCOMFORTFOOD) and then I went shopping for several hours and now I feel so much better.

And I was being kind of stupid because it is a good part, and I'm one of two sophomores in the entire play who got a part with a name.

Which is pretty awesome.

And you must be thinking I'm pretty selfish for having a sucky attitude, but I just really thought I had a good part at getting my first ever lead role. But I'm not, I swear. :D

Hopefully after Sepetember (AKA hell-month for us teenage control freaks) is over, I'll be able to start updating regularly again on my beloved Buzznet.

I miss you guys. But ANTM, Project Runway, Glee, and ABDC are also filling up my schedule when I'm not doing homework.

Love, Evey.

P.S. HAY I HERD U GUIS LYK BANNERZ SEW I MADE MYSELF A NEW BANNER. U LYK?!

I know with all these contests going on (Hannahbeth's t-shirt thing, Song of Summer contest), there are a lot of notes floating around about buzzing things. I, however, am not asking you to buzz anything - just to click a little link.

Now. I don't have a Tumblr, because I really don't need another account on the internet, but I have a really talented friend who has one. Her name is Abby and her Tumblr name is abbyybba.

CLICK HERE HERE HEREEE!

Here are two of her photos:

She also has a Buzznet account.

Which I can't find.

If I do, I'll edit it in.

AND THERE YA GO. You don't even need to Buzz anything! YAY. Now you kids with Tumblr accounts, go...do whatever you do on Tumblr.

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Letter from the week of 8/9/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

As a network, we are known for our stimulating, thought-provoking shows, such as "Rock of Love," "Daisy of Love," "Megan Wants a Millionaire," and "Real Chance at Love." We have been praised for our creative titles and the lovely, unique individuals we find to participate in our fine reality television programming. Of course, we are...VH1.

Aw, thanks for your enthusiasm! Oh, Garth, we love you and all the free publicity you give Ed Hardy.

And how can we forget Donald, the (seemingly) 456-year old man who adores Megan the Gold-Digger with everything inside his little heart. He constantly entertains us with his witty phrases and pop culture references.

"I feel like Angel during the season 2 climax of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Sarah Michelle Geller runs him through the heart...AhhhhOHHHHHH!"

We enjoy watching his skin flap around and the sunlight glint happily off his coke-bottles.

"I believe is was Lady GaGa who said...'Just Dance, it'll be okay. Just...dance.'"

Donald, we would've kept you on the show longer simply to see Megan star in "your next movie," appropriately named "Cannibal Cave Girl."

Who can remove from their memory the classy, well-educated ladies vying for the hearts (or lack thereof) of "Real" and "Chance," who were on "I Love New York" or "I Love Washington State" or whatever that one show with the ugly girl was.

Well, that honey has more rythym than...an elk carcass.

When we realized how high our ratings were this season, we were all:

Except our mouths were set on a straighter angle. And our nails are real. So is our hair.

However, we've noticed that many people are...well, mocking our programming. WE KNOW, WE DON'T GET IT EITHER. We really think we are shaking up modern day television. CNN BE DAMNED, VH1 IS IN THE HOUSE...YA'LL.

YES, WE ARE SPITTING ANGRY! THE CLAWS ARE COMING OUT!

We need people to respect our television as much as Brett Michaels respects the 20 women simultaneously chasing after his eyeliner and tight pants.

Help us?

Sincerely,

The VH1 Network.

Dear VHClass,

Here on Buzznet, we have several celebrities we follow obsessively. Well, not the entire community, but. You know. We're kind of like Angel during the season 3 climax of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

Well, we won't go there.

Now, even if our favorite Buzznet rockstars don't keep us constantly updated on their love lives, we like to know that they have someone to snuggle up to and discuss how crazy their fangirls are. I mean, really. I just used the phrase "someone to snuggle up to."

We're absolutely crazy.

But I have the PERFECT rockstar to have on your latest "Oh dear, I've been rejected by a washed-up rockstar and now need to find a washed-up rockstar wannabe of my own to snuggle up to and discuss how crazy my fankids are."

I give you...

PATROCK OF LOVE!

Here's the episode summary:

Ever since Pete Wentz got married, Fall Out Boy frontman Patrick "P. Sassy/PatROCK/The Delicious" Stump has been searching for a significant other to call his own. You know, other than his Taco Bell dog look-a-like Penny Stump. That little traitor's been hooking up with Hemmingway Wentz anyway.

Patrick is looking for an intelligent girl who enjoys the following things:

1. Prince

2. David Bowie

3. GarageBand

Do you think you have what it takes to rock PatROCK's world?

Are you actually Prince?

Do you own/shamelessly make out with a Patrick Stump action figure?

If you can answer "YES!" to either of those questions...

OMG CAN I HAVE A SIGNED COPY OF "PURPLE RAIN?!!"

...I mean. You can sumit your entry form at VH1.com.

There you go, VH1. You will have thousands of crazed Fall Out Boy fans glued to their TV sets, waiting to see if "their little teddy bear" finally meets someone he can spawn/adopt beautiful children with.

If you do not accept this show idea, I'm assuming (although I can't make any promises) that Travis McCoy will beat your ass and something along these lines might happen to you...

But maybe I'm not in the position to threaten you with a drink in the face.

Your move.

Yours sassily,

Evey.

Fall Out Boy only has themselves to blame for this and this and this and, thanks to Peter, THIS EPICNESS.

For those of you who don't get the "Patrock" reference...

Patrock letters, meet FOB fan. FOB fan, meet Patrock letters. Thank you, Nicholas Scimeca.

There are three facts you need to know before I start this story:

1. My friends and I got our Blink-182/Fall Out Boy tickets about two months ago.

2. The concert is August fifteenth.

3. For the two months I've had my tickets, I was convinced the concert was August ninth. Today.

So, I text my friend Tiffany (thisismyartsyname on Buzznet), and this is what happens.

-

Evey: Dude, it's supposed to be 98 degrees at the concert tomorrow. D:

Tiff: What concert?

Evey: Um. The fall out boy/blink concert...?

Tiff: I'm pretty sure that's on the fifteenth.

Evey (is an idiot): Well, maybe you're going then, but I'm pretty sure it's tomorrow.

Tiff: Are you seeing Blink in New York?

Evey: ...No.

Tiff: Well, that's where they're playing tomorrow.

Evey: I JUST CHECKED THE WEBSITE.

Tiff: So did I!

Evey: *checks website again*

Evey: ...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I FAIL. I AM SUCH A SPAZ. AND MY MOM JUST CALLED ME AN IDIOT.

Tiff: You are a spaz. Get some sleep.

-

This entire conversation happened from about 11:40 PM - 12:10 AM.

So, for about two months, I thought I was going to see Fall Out Boy today. Apparently I have to wait another week.

RRAAAARLLL!

YAY.

Cobra Starship's third album, Hot Mess, is coming out August eleventh and neon-clad fankids and mainstream radio fanatics are shivering with excitement. However, "excitement" may not be the first word that came to the minds of many Buzznet users when they first saw Cobra's album artwork. Srsly?

On August 2nd at 10:15 AM, a man in California with ginger-dyed hair and the nickname "Perez Hilton" posted news that made every comic book (graphic novel?) lover shiver in their boots. Or their dad's old gym shoes. OH NOES...

The middle of this letter is supposed to be funny in parts, but I really want you guys to take the last few paragraphs seriously. I am not trying to make light of such a serious situation, I'm only trying to show kids my age how STUPID they're being.

- Evey

Dear Internet,

I weep black tears for my generation.

Once upon a time, in a magical land called Los Angeles, a young up-and-comer named Chris Brown went out with his girlfriend, Rihanna, a young has-already-arrived. What happened that night has been reported on, speculated about, featured on television specials, and has brought many alarming statistics to light.

20% of 13 - 14 year olds know someone who has been hurt by a partner.

Because of the recent "apology video" issued by CB, I decided to write a special Dr. Nonsense letter to analyze the comments made by this young star's fans. This letter is in equal parts funny and disturbing.

And...we're off.

#1 - Stupid comment! Get a grammar teacher!

#2 - So, call me. That way you, commenter #1, and I can all go shopping for a life together! And for a "boo." Do you mean the character from the Mario and Luigi games, though? 'Cause he's a little scary.

#3 - I was not aware that this woman, by any stretch of the phrase, "looks like a man":

#4 - Alas, I wish no one had said Rihanna deserved it, but as many commenters have pointed out, "ZOMG YUSS RIHANNA TOTES DID DEZERVE IT!i!@11ONE!! 1!!!!" Perhaps as President of the "CHRIS BROWN 4 LYF!!11" fanclub, you should know these things. As President of the Patrick Stump's scented sideburns fanclub, I have had to do extensive research. EXTENSIVE, I SAY!

#5 - "If I would U I'll kill myself..." Please explain this phrasing. Also, no. Jesus will not kill this poor girl. He is too busy dealing with raptor problem in Micronesia.

#6 - NO! VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE!

#7 - Short, not so sweet, and to the point. HI, I'm capital letters - perhaps you've heard of me?

ROUND TWO!

#8 - If I were "high and drunk," as you so eloquently put it, I would NOT be in a car. I would also not be with my significant other in a car, because I would have the common sense to know I should not be driving someone I love around when I am "high and drunk." ALSO, Chris Brown is NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE DRINKING; THEREFORE, YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

Also, "less sexier?" SERIOUSLY? How long have you been speaking English?

#9 - "Think you know wut happened not even something that sexy won't go like that."

...WTF.

#10 - He is still sexy? Maybe because his significant other didn't PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

#11 - What he does with "his" women? I was unaware that Rihanna is a POSSESSION. Go back to the 1700's and let old Angel teach you a lesson. (Yes, that was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference.)

ROUND THREE!

#12 - My old great-great-grandpappy had a saying... "Behind every good person is a good stylist." And, judging on what he was wearing in his apology video...he's not one of those good people.

ROUND FOUR!

#13 - I am afraid I don't know how to "lukn" in the mirror. After Googling this word, I am still rather unclear on what you want me to do here. You can send me a message on Buzznet with your name, address, and $317.89 in cash if you wish to tell me.

#14 - You are not very "alWISE," are you?

#15 - SOME!@#*)(* ONE)@(*@)(# IS)!@*)(#* ABUSING @)(*@(!)!#)!(* THE)(@*!)(SHIFT !*)!@(*KEY!

Am I the only one who never found Chris Brown attractive?

#16 - He looves you, too! He just shows it by BITING PEOPLE.

ROUND FIVE!

#17 - I'mmmm sorrrryyy there arrrre toooo mannnnyyyy consonantsssss forrrr meeee to understannndddd thisssss commenttttttt.

LAST ROUND!

#18 - Yeah, hitting your girlfriend/boyfriend is bad, but, as you put it, WHTEVERSSSS. We're obviously all overreacting!

Or are we?

Seriously, people. Whether Chris Brown's apology was genuine or not, it is NEVER okay to hit somebody - ever. I remember last summer there was the "Free Travis" group when Travis McCoy smashed a microphone over someone's head for insulting him. And yes, that's bad, and apologies were in order on both sides of that conflict. However, when you are in a relationship - something that's supposed to be loving and honest and gentle, violence has no place there.

And I know my advice is usually stupid and just for comments, buzzes, and laughs, but. Really. Wake up, you guys.

-  Dr. Nonsense.

Unfortunately, "The Patrick Stump Scented Sideburns Fanclub" does not exist. But I am willing to get that phrase copyrighted.

So, I'm leaving for about a week and I may or may not have internet connection.

So, unfortunately, you will not be getting a Doctor Nonsense for Friday.

Which really kind of is too bad because I got a very good suggestion from Rosalie and Bree for a subject.

If it turns out that the place I'm going DOES have internet (that was in caps because I was too lazy to press the italics button), I'll just delete this journal and go back to the magical land of Buzzdom.

I have at least ten books to keep me busy on vacation. OH YAYAYAY.

See ya, suckas.

P.S. I'm still debating whether to make a video for Potter Face. I can't play any instruments. laugh out loud.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I've been reading the Harry Potter books since kindergarten. Although many "real fans" don't like the movies because of their innaccuracies, I look at them as being a book I love truly being brought to life. In honor of the sixth movie, and to pass the time before I see it at midnight tonight, I give you "Potter Face," a Weird Al-style parody of Lady GaGa's hit "Poker Face."

Enjoy!

Mum mum mum MAH.

Mum mum mum MAH.

Mum mum mum MAH.

Mum mum mum MAH.

I wanna curse 'em like in the Ministry.

Magic, antics, Fred and George, baby it's HP (I love it.)!

I know that I'm the boy who lived, so really please don't start

I'm off fighting Voldemort and breaking Ginny's heart

Oh Oh Oh Oh.

I'm super hot, Death Eaters are not.

Oh Oh Oh Oh.

I'm super hot, Death Eaters are not.

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

(He's gonna kill old Voldie!)

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

I roll with a guy named Ron and a chick named Hermoine

Destroying Horcruxes is fun when you're with me

Avada Kedavra is not the same without a wand

And baby when it's war, if it's not tough it isn't fun

Oh Oh Oh Oh.

I'm super hot, Death Eaters are not.

Oh Oh Oh Oh.

I'm super hot, Death Eaters are not.

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

(He's gonna kill old Voldie!)

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

I won't tell you about Quidditch

Sign your broomstick

'Cause I'm battling the Dark Forces

I'm not dying, I'm just off killing some evil tyrants

Just like old Hagrid back at Hogwarts

I can smash you with my bare hands

I promise this, I ain't coy -

I am hotter than Malfoy

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

(He's gonna kill old Voldie!)

Can't read my - can't read my - No, they can't read my Potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

P-p-p-potter face P-p-potter face

(repeats)

WARNING: HARRY IS NOT HOTTER THAN MALFOY IN ANY ALTERNATE DIMENSION.

This week, I didn't receive a letter from a celebrity, but I still felt like writing one to a certain Panic(!) At The Disco ex-member. I knew he wouldn't reach out to the healing powers of Dr. Nonsense, but I needed to expose the truth.

Dear Mr. Ross,

You may have seen the uproar caused by the breakup of your band, Panic(!) At The Disco. If you haven't, then you are obviously a robot version of Ryan Ross sent to destroy the world. I'm sure there are a few fans willing to believe that theory and may be now sitting at their computers saying, "UH, RITUALS! WE MUST THINK OF RITUALS! CUT OUT THE HEART OF A CAREBEAR AND BURN IT ON THE FUELED BY RAMEN ALTAR! THEN WE WILL GET OUR PANIC BACK!"

Unfortunately, I know that no matter how many Panic t-shirts are sacrificially burned on your lawn, the band will not be brought back fully. I know because I know exactly what happened.

Brendon was all like, "A WHOLE NEW WORLD...A DAZZLING PLACE I NEVER KNEW!"

And I know you were getting frustrated. "FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT DOING A CD OF DISNEY PRINCESS COVERS!"

Jon was probably being the soothing presence and saying things like, "Let's be chill. Let's all wear flipflops and smoke weed in harmony."

Spencer was just fed up. "WHERE IS MY STRAIGHTENER."

So I can see why you probably said, "WE'RE BREAKING UP. I WANT TO PURSUE NEW MUSICAL VENTURES."

And Brendon was all:

And Spencer was all:

And Jon was all:

I felt a disturbance in the force. At some point in this conversation, I think you all sat down rationally and talked about it like normal young men. Then you decided that you would go your separate directions in a very calm, rational manner.

Or maybe Brendon just pelted gummy bears at your head and you were like:        

Because Brendon KNOWS your head is very fragile.

There are several theories to why you split. I already mentioned the robot one. The other theory is that Brendon finally got tired of being the nice one in the band and needed a little more glitter in his life.

WARNING: RYAN ROSS IS NOT SATAN. RYAN ROSS CANNOT BE HELD AT FAULT IF YOU ARE POSESSED BY HIS GAZE. LOOK AT HIM AT YOUR OWN RISK. AND DON'T CALL HIM "LUCIFER."

Or maybe the pressure of having a million prepubescent girls thinking you were having crazy, NC-17 love affair with your lead singer was just too much. Maybe "Ryden" and "Joncer" got to your head. Not to mention "Brancer" and "Jonden" or whatever all those other pairings are called. Perhaps always being cast as Pete Wentz's needy boyfriend in every single creepy fanfiction started to annoy you. It would annoy me.

I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I TOOK THAT PICTURE AND YOU TOOK THAT JOY AWAY.

And yes, those are nice theories, but I know the truth.

Yeah, I bet you thought no one knew. I bet you thought you and Jon were pretty good at keeping this a secret. I saw right through all of it. The circus/Moulin Rougue thing, the lavender hoodies, the eyeliner, even the Pretty. Odd. themed flower arrangements.

I know you and Jon are leaving Panic At The Disco to pursue a career in GANGSTA RAP.

YOU NEVER THOUGHT THESE PICTURES WOULD SURFACE, WOULD YOU?

Spencer has way too much class to wear a feather boa.

I approve, Mr. Ross and Mr. Walker.

Or, should I say, "RickRyan Ross" and "J-Walk?"

You tried to convince "Spence-Izzle" and "BDen Da Boii Urie" to get into the whole scene, but it didn't work. I'm surprised. Spencer looks really good in bling.

All good things must come to an end. Personally, I'm looking forward to the new album "PRETTY. GANGSTA." and Brendon and Spencer's new album entitled "Glitter Unicorns and BFFLs For Life!"

Sincerely,

Evey, the doctor.

POST-SCRIPT: THIS TOTES ISN'T REALLY FROM RYAN ROSS.

POST-POST SCRIPT: Please excuse my Paint skills or lack thereof.

As you may have noticed, my dear patients, I have been a bit (okay, a lot) behind in my attempt at semi-humorous celebrity gossip. This is because I actually write things other than satirical pieces mocking celebrities, and I have been caught up in more creative ventures. However, I am going to try and keep Celeb Rehab up because, frankly, what would we do without people famous for singing a song (that someone else wrote) or reading lines (that someone else wrote) or just for no reason at all?

- Evey, AKA Dr. Nonsense, Common.

Letter from the week of 6/25/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

Today, two of us are writing to you. One of us is a teenager from Sunnydale, California and the other is just a waitress in Louisiana. Well, not just a waitress, really. There's a little more to that story, but let's not get into it now. You might be asking yourself, "Self, what do these two women share in common other than hit television shows and extremely attractive love interests?"

The answer, as it usually is into today's day and age, is vampires.

We have some questions for you. We both hang around a lot of vampires, and we have noticed that they share some things in common. They hate sunlight, have fangs, and generally thirst for blood. They have foul mouths and sometimes Southern accents (example: Suh-kie) and you usually don't want to mess with them.

Now there's this vampire obsession, and this kid named Edward Cullen is stealing attention from our illustrious careers as a vampire slayer and a...waitress. Just...a waitress.

That book? Yeah. It's disturbing. For one, he is out in the open during the middle of the day. He has no fangs. He constantly sounds like he's sleepy. He also has the worst American accent I have ever heard.

We are so confused! We don't understand what's happening to the world of vampires! And that kid Bella? COME ON GIRL! Stand up for yourself! You will get nowhere in life if you pent yourself up in your house with your creepy vampire boyfriend! KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES. THAT'S HOW WE GIRLS DO IT IN THE VAMPIRE WORLD.

How can we stop this obsession with these lamer vampires and show people what they're really like?

Love,

Something that rhymes with "Suffy" and "Bookie."

P.S. Would you like fries with that?

Dear ladies,

Buffy, I can totally tell you came up with those genius nicknames. I'll just pat you on the head now.

I totally agree that Stephenie Meyer has totally twisted what just about every other author has perceived vampires to be. That's because she wrote Twilight based on a dream she had.

Now, I don't know about you guys, but if I wrote about the dreams I had...well, those books would not get published.

Coming soon to an Urban Outfitter's or musty neighborhood bookstore near you: The Day I Got Swallowed Whole By A Crack In the Earth While People Laughed At Me!

Book one in the Gruesome Ways I Imagine Myself Dying Series!

Or, if that's too terrifying, maybe Gabe Saporta Mocked Me In My Dreams Because He Said I Had an Annoying Chicago Accent would be more your speed. Book three in the Famous People Hate Me In My Dreams Series!

(I DO NOT HAVE AN ACCENT, GABE.)

So yeah, dreams =/= book material always.

My point is that Stephenie obviously created a race of veghead vampires who are just like us foolish unworthy mortals humans! Except they watch us while we sleep and glitter like a scene kid on crack and are really, really protective of your demon/fire-monster/creepy baby thing that erupts out of your stomach and starts getting all Exorcist on your weird vampire family.

You two girls are doing the right thing by remaining true to the vampire stories of old! You know, the ones where vampires actually fight and aren't afraid to curse or be evil. The best advice I can offer you is SHOVE A STAKE THROUGH EDWARD'S HEART keep on promoting your stories as if Twilight doesn't exist.

Maybe it will quietly go away.

Sincerely,

Dr. Nonsense

P.S. ARE THEY THE CURLY KIND?

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

Sookie: Thank God you're here!

Bill: SHUT THE HELL UP.

Oh my God, you guys. GIGGLES. I WAS GIGGLING LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL.

(Well, I am a Catholic schoolgirl. But STILL.)

I always giggle at the wrong things. Like, I laughed at all the awful jokes the Joker made and the movie theatre was completely silent except for my manic laughter.

Ah...Angry vampires with Southern accents. HILARIOUS.

Let's take a moment to analyze how hard Perez Hilton fails at supporting a cause.

WOW, PEREZ.

You're a gay man who is obviously very passionate about getting equal rights for ALL Americans, regardless of sexual orientation. And you know what? That's great. Awesome. I applaud your efforts.

HOWEVER, insulting the people who are trying to help you will get you NOWHERE. You're all about solidarity, right? This issue is all about joining together for the common good, right? Then why on Earth would you insult Pete Wentz and then call Ashlee Simpson "jealous" and "ASSlee?"

It does not look good for a cause when its own supporters cannot show each other basic respect!

You should be ashamed of yourself. As usual.

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

  Letter from the week of 6/9/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

HI! Just so you know, if your advice does not PLEASE ME or meet my HIGH, HIGH STANDARDS, I will write an especially nasty blog about you! I will draw innapropriate things on your face using my BFF, not Paris Hilton THE PAINT PROGRAM ON MY COMPUTER. THEN I WILL CALL YOU A "TRANNY" AND EXPECT YOU TO CRY!

CRY, FOR I AM THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA.

Anyway, I have this super embarassing celebrity crush. Like, other than that delicious man I see in the mirror every morning. Because I AM a celebrity! LADY GAGA IS MY BEST FRIEND. JUST THE KIND OF BEST FRIEND THAT FILES A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU.

Like, it's this guy and he's got this kind of emo hair cut and a cute baby. But he has a WIFE. I've tried to get over him. I've posted picture after picture of Zaquisha - I mean, Zac Efron. But that little emo face and those huge teeth get me every time!

I insult his wife at every opportunity, I make fun of him, and I try to call his sister-in-law fat whenever I can. SURPRISINGLY, this has not won him over yet! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD HAVE THE ARROGANCE TO DENY ME! I AM HOT, HOT PIECE OF MAN.

How do I abduct him and force him to dress up as Adam Lambert become his 1 TRU LUV?

Reasonably,

SOMEONE YOU MUST FEAR ABOVE ALL OTHER BLOGGERS! MUAHAHAHAHA!

 Dear "Queen of Media,"

I don't know who taught you how to attract people, but YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

When someone calls my significant other an "ass" and calls me out at every opportunity, then ends every post with "FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!" I don't find it too appealing.

Although I respect your work to campaign for equal rights, it's kind of hard to pay attention to your best qualities when 96% of your other posts are calling sixteen year old pop-stars "sl-ts" while acting like you want to pet/stroke/kidnap their boyfriends.

The truth of the matter is, you sound like an obsessed Selena Gomez fan who is all, "OMG MILEY U SO STOOPID B/C <3 <3 <3 SELENA <3 <3 <3 IZ LYK PUR3 & U GET EVRYTH!NG EVEN PURTY BOIIS && U SHULD JUSS DYE LYK OR SUMTHIN."

So, if you want to score some boys, here's my advice:

1. Stop calling their girlfriends "Whatsherface."

2. Stop filing your blog posts under witty titles such as "Icky Icky Poo." TURN-OFF.

3. Also, you might want to close the laptop every once in a while and get fresh air.

Bring on the nasty blog.

Sincerely,

Dr. Nonsense

P.S. For those of you who do not obsessively check gossip blogs as I do, this is about Perez Hilton who has an extremely obvious crush on Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy.

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

Letter from the week of 6/1/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

Hey... Yeah. I have a serious problem.

All the sudden, I am, like, SURROUNDED by these golden popcorn statues. And I'm checking them for antennae and stuff because I obviously would never buy these things. My taste is way more refined than golden popcorn statues. Or is it? I can't remember. Everything's a blur.

I was just sitting in a box one day in the dirty London street mumbling to my friend Stevie about hair products when this scary Mormon lady plucked me off the side of the road screaming "MY EDWARD! MINE!" She was foaming - FOAMING. She was petting me and murmuring, "My precious...Never leave me..." while her children looked on in terror.

She had covered her husband in glitter - the poor guy, she kept on saying something about "Dazzle, EVERYTHING. MUST. DAZZLE."

So I say a few lines about lions and lambs and spider monkeys, and, MAN, this movie is weirder than any schizophrenic homeless guy I met on the subway. But all the sudden they're making me dress in suits and accept these weird awards when all I really want to do is sit in a basement and stare creepily at this girl named Kristen, or Stewart, or KriStew or something like that. And all I really ever wanted out of life was to be able to take a shower - just this once - and OH MY GOD THERE ARE TEENAGE GIRLS OUTSIDE AND THEY HAVE LASSOS AND WQFHQHJF;OEIGERNIO3UNRIO3MURIOUN34IORUOIR FUXEIMXINERU N

DSIJFAIOJFIOJOIFJA. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

...Everything's under control. Security system activated. SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND, LADIES. Anyway, I have to wrap this up - it's nearly teatime.

So, I guess my question is WHO AM I AND HOW DID I GET HERE.

Dazzle,

The one they call "RPattz"

Dear RPattz,

At one point, you were an adorable Hufflepuff wizard with a broomstick, good attitude, and crew cut. Now, you are one of the sparkling legions of the living dead. No, you're not on Shrooms - you're actually sparkling.

Whether or not your fans are on drugs is up for you to figure out (they'd probably take a drug test if you asked them to). They seem to think that sparkling dead people with greasy hair are sexy. Maybe the definition of the word has changed since I was a teenager (oh wait, I AM ONE), but you're not exactly what I'd call "sexy."

More like "Oh my God there's a creepy vampire watching me sleep, cutting the cables of my car, and forcing me remain completely still upon several occasions."

Now, I suppose that I am making the mistake that your fans commonly make - thinking that you are REALLY Edward Cullen.

Now, Robert - that is your real name - you. Are not. Edward Cullen.

Stephenie Meyer is trying to tell you otherwise. Along with Taylor, Kristen, and...the other ones, she has kept you locked in her little fantasy land of dazzle for far too long.

BUT FEAR NOT! YOU ARE PLAYING SALVADOR DALI! CHANNEL HIS SPIRIT! CALL UPON HIS DIVINE AWESOMENESS TO GUIDE YOU DOWN THE PATH TO BETTER MOVIE ROLES!

"There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."

- Salvador Dali.

(Try and keep it at "satisfaction," and not, say, opium.)

Sincerely,

Dr. Nonsense

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

Forget traditional birth announcements - stationary is so '94. The birth of Gerard Way (of My Chemical Romance) and Lyn-Z's (of Mindless Self Indulgence) first child arrives via Mikey Way's Twitter.

And the name is...

BANDIT LEE WAY!

How do you feel about the name? I personally feel:

1. It's better than Bronx. Sorry, Pete.

2. It's totally what I expected from Gerard and Lyn-Z.

3. It's got that unique flair and twist, but it's not totally crazy celebrity (like Pilot Inspektor or Reign Beau).

4. But "Lee" kind of sounds like a Southern soldier during the Civil War.

Leave your wishes for the happy couple here!

AND LITTLE TO NO NAME-BASHING!

P.S. TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM EXACTLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN THIS BABY WHO WILL PROBABLY END UP WAY HOTTER THAN I AM.

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

Letter from the week of 5/26/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

As you may have noticed, there's been some tough times. Economic, political, and bad hair days have been a major problem in today's world (just ask Kate from Jon and Kate Plus Eight - I mean, really, have you seen homegirl's hair?). But I would just like a moment to announce the most disturbing of all occurences.

The results of the American Idol finale.

I know what you're thinking - Adam has the voice of an angel! And delicious emo hair! And a history of being in ~fabulous musicals (oh hai, flying monkey in Wicked)! Kris is just some Bible-thumper from Ar-Kansas with a pretty blonde wife and a penchant for doing a similar-sounding acoustic number every week!

That, my friends, is where you're wrong.

We've learned that people who watch Fox - I mean, the general American public - is a bit scared of intimidated by attractive, talented young men with smoking hot boyfriends. Therefore, I didn't need their votes. Right? I'm going to get a better record deal, be able to collaborate with Queen (FANBOY SQUEAL!), and I will NEVER have to sing that awful song "No Boundaries" again! Because really, Kara - you need to give up on life.

You too, Bikini Girl.

But, I still have a question - what now? Do you have any career paths you think I should travel down?

Deliciously,

(G)lambert

Dear Mr. (G)lambert,

Whatever you do, do NOT become Clay Aiken. Or Taylor Hicks. Or Reuben Studdard. Or Fantasia. Or...

Well, don't win American Idol is probably the best career advice for any American Idol contestant.

You might want to go the Jennifer Hudson route. Minus the Dreamgirls, because that's just a little weird, even for me. And I'm assuming that J-Hud wouldn't be able to pull off the combat boots/steel shoulder pad look that you did in the Idol Finale.

Nobody else - and I mean NOBODY - could work that outfit. Other than Freddie Mercury, really. And he was probably up in heaven all like, "WOAH, HOMEBOY'S GOT STYLE." You're like that one kid on "True Life: I Don't Fit In" - the weird one who's into glam rock and the New York Dolls and leopard skinny jeans and sweaters.

Can you tell I'm watching television while typing this?

Anyway, back to you, your career. One of my best friends, the only person I know who may like Queen as much as I do, told me today that you collaborating with the remaining members of Queen would be "cool." Your voice is the closet thing to something out of that era of fancy leotards and every song having a choir and a guitar solo.

So please, treat us to a couple of grandiose songs. Then star in Broadway, have a scandal or two, and float up to heaven like the little angel that you are.

Hugs and kisses,

Dr. Nonsense

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

Letter from the week of 5/13/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

SO AS YOU MAY GUESS from the beautiful lyrical content of this letter, I am the lead singer of a band that TOTALLY DOES NOT OWE THEIR FAME TO MILEY CYRUS OR THAT MUSSO KID. We're musicians on our own, yo. We can write repetative lyrics set to poppy synth-beats and NOT be on Disney Channel.

As you also may know, Perez Hilton is obviously so jealous of my lovely physique that he totally took Jeffree Star's side when we got in a fight. I mean, have you seen Jeffree Star's face? I HAVE EYEBROWS, SO STICK THAT IN YOUR JUICEBOX AND SUCK ON IT, HILTON.

Well, now that we're talking about my horse-like beautiful face...

Vanessa Hudgens.

Here, I was quoted by some magazine in some language I don't understand saying, "I have an idea to steal Vanessa; I will let my sister Miley arrange a meeting. Then Vanessa will realize I am right for her." Finally, he says: "Besides, she looks better in my arms!"

My thin, boney, creepy stick arms. She, in all of her Disney voloptuousness, will look simply delicious there. HOW CAN YOU NOT AGREE. HOW CAN YOU RESIST THIS FACE. Zac Efron is so last year. Like, the hosting SNL, new hit movie, and smoking hot girlfriend can NEVER rival the KISS FM smash "Shake It."

How can I score this babe-a-licious babe?

Rockingly,

MY LAST NAME IS NOT CYRUS AND OH MY GOD MILEY GIVE ME BACK MY IRON MAIDEN T-SHIRT.

Dear "Not-Cyrus-Iron-Maiden-Fan-Boy/Girl(?),"

Eat a sandwhich.

Stop cutting holes in your clothes.

Go back in time and erase "Achey Breaky Heart" from all radio stations.

Become Zac Efron.

The thing a woman finds the least attractive is an arrogant man with nothing to back it up. So maybe you should invest some time in a humble pie - it's delicious. Tastes like victory. We also know that Vanessa likes guys who can sing.

You should look into that sometime. Like, SINGING, and not creepily muttering about clothes on the floor and shaking it - SHAKING WHAT, TRACE? SHAKING WHAT. That SO does not correspond with her almost nonexistent Disney image.

I'll close with a quote from Buzznet user JerryFetus: "Homeboy doesn't have a chance with her."

Nope, Trace. Homie don't play dat. Homie don't play dat.

Dr. Nonsense

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.